Thursday 18 February 2016

Arrow's Laurel Lance writes to the World's Worst Advice Columnist



[Spoilers for Arrow here, in case that's something you're concerned about]

I've been reading advice columns a lot recently (Captain Awkward for self confidence, Ask a Manager for work stuff, and the superbly cathartic Here's that bad advice you were hoping for) and have also been punishing myself with some truly terrible episodes of Arrow. I particularly hate the fact that I've been given no choice but to despair of Laurel Lance - she's just so badly written that none of what she does makes the slightest sense. I'm sure you could replace anything another character says to her in any episode with "What the hell were you thinking?" and the script would hang together, possibly even be improved. Actually, the same could be said of most of the characters' "motivations", but Laurel somehow manages to be even worse that the others.

So I'm choosing to believe that all of them have been turning to a local advice columnist for help with their difficult decisions, that Laurel has been doing this more than most, and that Star(ling) City just happens to have The World's Worst Advice Columnist. All of a sudden, the series makes sense.



Dear Ethic-quette HQ,
My vigilante sister has been killed by my ex-boyfriend's sister and is now buried in the grave we dug for her the first time we thought she'd died. My father has a severe heart condition - how can I tell him she's dead? P.S. He is Chief of Police but please don't print that bit.
Lost Lawyer

Dear Lost,
Do you have any sort of martial arts training, even just a few weeks of boxing classes? If so, simply take on your sister's crime-busting identity! There is absolutely no risk that your father will figure out that you are now pretending to be both of his daughters. He is also highly unlikely to ever mention your sister to you, so don't worry too much about having to control your facial expressions around him. Happy punching!
HQ

Dear Ethic-quette HQ,
An update on the dead sister situation: I managed to bring her back to life! Unfortunately she appears to have no idea who she is, doesn't speak, is highly aggressive and everyone thinks she might be possessed. How can I get her back and prove them all wrong?
Lost Lawyer

Dear Lost,
The only way to bring someone back to their senses after the traumatic experience of being dead for a year is to chain them to some pipes in your basement. Make sure that they have nowhere to sleep or relieve themselves and that they are still in the clothes you buried them in. You didn't mention in your letter whether you intended to tell your father that his other daughter has been resurrected. In light of his heart condition, make sure you do this in the most alarming way possible.
HQ